Saturday, July 2, 2016

Blindsided - Struggling to Find Words

It’s 2 am and all I can do is lay in bed with my head next to Brynn’s.  The room is lit up only by the glow of an off brand Scentcy warmer in the corner.  The only noise is her soft inhale and exhale.  I’m paralyzed in thought.  A million questions racing through my mind.  Indeed, I have been blindsided by life. Not even a month after my step-dad passed away from Melanoma Cancer, we found out my dad has Stage 4 metastasized Adenocarcinoma lung cancer. After hoping and praying that we had caught it early, exploratory surgery unveiled that the fight is going to be a little harder than expected.  The cancer has moved from the lung to the chest cavity and to the fluid in Dad’s body. Surgery is not an option and Chemo is on deck….

My first thought….This Can’t be Life….How can this be happening again?

Tears streamed down my face when my brother called to tell me and then I just went completely numb. It was just too much to process.  It was possibly the longest drive to a hospital I’ve ever experienced.  Miles and miles of anxious thoughts. Fear of the unknown is what gets people most, but today I think I had more fear of the known. And now at 3 am, the anxiety of re-living the horror story that we have just barely finished the last chapter of is overwhelming. Dad has never smoked a cigarette a day in his life.  This is UNREAL.  

The Dr. gave us the life expectancy averages but I just can’t go there.  I’m not ready to digest or accept those parameters. No one can box you in and tell you when you will die.  They don’t know.  I keep telling myself that.  People outlive expectations all the time right???? I don’t know…I’m just a rambling basket case of thoughts and questions right now.   

My first thought was to call on God.  I went to him and I found myself in tears with no words coming out. I just sat with Him in silence. Resting in His embrace. I'm not one to be speechless but I'm finding it hard to talk. I try to organize a thought and I cant so I just sit in silence and internalize it all. Hoping that God can read my thoughts because I just can't form a sentence.....

We have witnessed the worst cancer can do. We’ve lived it and know it’s capabilities.  It’s hard not to let your fear take you to a dark place. It’s hard to stay positive when you JUST lived through the death of a loved one, but we are a faithful family. We are a family that pulls it all together for one another no matter what.  Dad has always been a faithful man.  He knows God.  I have hope in that.  He asked God for a chance to fight this. He wants to see his grandkids grow old. He wants to live.  He will live. Cancer sucks but it can be beaten.  People beat it everyday.
Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll pull myself together and rejoin life. I didn’t do very well at that today.  I totally checked out. I’m thankful Bryan was there to run our lives and pick up my slack as I was an unresponsive, jittery replica of a human.  

I don’t have any more words. No more thoughts. Just silence for right now. Pray for my family <3