"Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself"
For the last couple of years I have not been blogging much. I've had much transition in life. I believe that I found myself going through the motions each day and even though I reside in a city with 6 million people I felt in a sense that I was "living" in the middle of nowhere. Don't get me wrong, I was not depressed or alone or sad. I'm always surrounded by great family and friends but the need I was missing went beyond anything they could provide for me. I felt as though life had stalled and I was stagnant...you know..... like everyday was the same old stuff. Feeling bored I would try to force change or new ideas and become frustrated when they failed. I have no patience and I hate sitting still! However, if there's one thing I've learned it's that God's gonna put you where you need to be.
My whole journey started when I wanted to buy a home for my daughter. We'd been renting in the city which I loved, but I wanted a house. In order to do that I needed to save up my dollars. My brother, who lived in the country suburbs, offered his home to my daughter and I rent free while we saved. Um Awesome. I couldn't pass up the opportunity. There were many boring nights out in the burbs but in hindsight, those nights ended up being so rewarding. Life got back to the basics. One thing about living in the suburbs of Houston is it's a good 30-45 minutes from anything other than a restaurant so when you get home...you're staying home. It left little room for excitement.
I had also just started dating a guy. We spent many nights just hanging out, just the 3 of us. His son would come visit during the summer and holidays and the 4 of us were instantly bonded. It was laid back. Nothing was fancy. It was in these moments and on these nights I realized what happiness was really about. Life was slow and I began to see myself more transparently. I saw the good in me. I saw the things that needed work. I was now in my own cocoon and I new I needed to change a few things before my goals of being a better Christian, being a wife, and having more children could be realized.
I also knew no one else could give me these things. I needed to find my own way and become a woman that others could look at and see Christ in, become a woman that was strong enough and capable enough to be a wife, I needed to be a better mother so I could be ready to handle another child. These were my priorities and they could not happen overnight. Change did not come easy.
Not really knowing where to start, I began with my relationship with God and slowly that began to strengthen. I put away many things I used to love that were not bettering my life. Ya'll know I love me some rap music, but the more I talked to God the more the lyrics became like nails on a chalk board. Curse words began to pierce my heart when I heard them or spoke them, alcohol became less inviting and I didn't seem to fit in at night clubs anymore (which may have been my age also. lol). Things were changing, slowly but surely.
In the middle of my transition. I bought my house with my daughter. It was a happy day.
In the midst of my own change, an acquaintance I went to college with was chronicling her journey through infertility via a blog and social media. I followed her story closely, at first mainly out of curiosity, but I became hooked on her testimony. I noticed something in her. I could SEE God in her. That is what I wanted to see in me. She went through struggles. She was adopting twins and they passed away, she then attempted to adopt a toddler and it fell through. Through all her ups and downs she remained faithful to God in her blogs. Her journey was eye opening. My life was not in turmoil the way hers was. Lately, things in my world were pretty easy. I had no storms to report. If she could be faithful throughout her circumstances then couldn't I? Shouldn't I? I'm happy to report that after all her struggles she became pregnant with twins without any fertility treatments. It was a miracle but honestly I was not surprised. If ever a miracle was to be given it seemed fitting that God handed it to her (I love happy endings).
Ok back to me.....
Still dating the same man it became clear as day to me that this was the one sent for me. His faith inspired me, his character was unmatched and our trust was solid. I loved him more than words could ever express and when I looked in his eyes I saw the same in return. I felt lucky and thankful for him. I harped less on not being married because I knew eventually it would come. I knew God sent this man for me. He wasn't leaving. I focused on love. I loved him as much as I could. I loved my daughter and his son as much as I could. I stayed prayerful, and on my 32nd birthday the love of my life asked me to be his wife and on March 29, 2015 I said I do. Life is good.
I realized at this point I was out of my cocoon. I was now transformed. I was better than I used to be. Which is really the goal everyday isn't it. Wake up and be a better person than you were yesterday. I had matured enough to be happy as me, apart from anyone else on this Earth. When I am alone with myself and look at me in the mirror I am happy with what I see. I am capable of handling the life of someone else wholeheartedly. My husband taught me how to do that. He helped me grow up. I am confident in myself as a mother (though I've always though of myself as a pretty good momma) and capable of handling a blended family.
The main thing I want to express with this blog is staying faithful during your wait. The cocoon is dark and the change is slow but stay faithful and God will move you to be where you should be. Three years ago I though I was a pretty well rounded and put together person. I was a lawyer, took care of myself and my daughter...I was kinda cute... WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE! I couldn't see the changes in me that needed to be made. It took stepping away from everything in order to really SEE who I was. I've grown so much spiritually, emotionally and mentally that I've even surprised myself. I didn't even realize that I'd had that much growing to do.
Now I know who I am in the dark which can be a scary thing to discover. By "in the dark" I mean who I am when no one is watching. When you can get away with anything....what things do you say and what things do you do? That is the person you truly are. Do you like that person?
I found myself at a place where I was truly happy and fulfilled. If I died today I would feel complete. God had more plans though. Just when I thought things couldn't get any better I was blessed with another child that is due next February. To me this child is the confirmation that God has me where he wants me and he has heard my prayers all along. But I really never had any doubt.
Hey Baby Davis!
So I'm out of my transition and I'm back to my blog! I have missed the expression writing allows. I remember when I had my daughter feeling as though I lost myself and that I had became just someone's girlfriend and just someone's mother and that was it. I learned from that and won't lose who I am this time. I love being a wife and I love being a mother but I am more that that as well. Writing will help me stay in tune to who Dani Marie is.
I know this was a long blog but hey, I've been gone a long time.
And those are my inside thoughts.