Life is full of ups and downs. All of which serve a purpose. Dark days filled with disappointment, pain and heartache prepare you for the bright days. They allow you to understand the depth and significance of joyous times without taking them for granted. One cannot understand happiness without understanding sadness. I find myself in sad times repeating the right thing to say over and over. “Trust God…” “Trust God…” “Trust God…” . But sometimes I struggle with believing my own words. That is when being a faithful servant to the lord becomes much more difficult.
Today I realized the harsh truth that I am not the best Christian I can be. I am far from faithful and I am still learning daily and trying to understand that my life belongs to God. It does now as it always has. No matter what I want in life or how hard I want it…God is the decider. Recently I have been learning to back down from my own wants and I am beginning to understand that this story….the story of my life that is….. has already been written. Cover to cover, the book is done. I am merely walking through the pages living the tale God has written for me. And I should do so FAITHFULLY and not DOUBTFULLY. For some reason….this has been a struggle for me lately.
I guess as I approach 32 I am feeling the pressures of life. Pressure to be married, pressure to have more kids and pressure to just do more more more. I have always been really good about dismissing what others think about me and not conforming to social norms. I have done a lot on my own and not the way others would think is “acceptable,” yet I have never cared much. So why it is that I have allowed worldly pressures to get to me and impact the way I feel about my own life now…I don’t know.
I was reminded today about faithfulness and shown the truth about my life.
My life is full…..it truly is. I have been given what many dream of. I have what some people pray about endlessly. God has entrusted me with much and lately I have not been grateful and for this I feel……Unfaithful. I have acted as though everything I have been given isn’t enough. I’ve acted as though I deserve more. I have selfishly prayed for more and had feelings of resentment towards others. I have cried for myself and for the dreams I want to obtain dismissing the dreams I have already accomplished.
Sometimes it takes witnessing another’s struggle to realize how amazingly blessed you are. To see how much you have and to see that it IS enough. ALWAYS. Everything I have is beyond enough. I see that now. I went to school with a woman who has been fighting infertility for years. Her story is incredible and she has been through many heartbreaks and also some happy days, but it has been a difficult journey. I look at her and the relentless faith she has in God and I feel selfish. I feel unfaithful. For a while now I’ve been outwardly happy but inwardly I’ve been anxious and I’ve been down. Not all the time. For the most part I am happy with the world, but at night….you know the moments right before I close my eyes, I let the worldly pressures in and I begin to wonder if I will have a family, if I will have another child and good Lord will I EVER be married…lol (a thought I likely share with my parents). I have been praying about this a lot and today I received my answer through my former school mate.
The truth is, I am faithless and ungrateful. My story is already written. I need to Trust in it and believe in it. I shouldn’t worry about the world because God has written my book and there might be a marriage chapter and there might be a baby chapter but there might not. Either way….IT IS OK. It is God’s story for me. The one HE wrote for me. If those chapters are in there I cannot skip the pages or re-write the book to get to them on my time. I have to walk my journey FAITHFULLY and get to those pages on Gods time. And if those pages are not in there I should not be upset. I have already been given a child, a man, a career, a family….I have already been given EVERYTHING. I have nothing to be upset about.
I watch my friend struggle through infertility and adoption and I feel blessed. I was given a child without struggle, without want and even without warning. GIVEN the greatest gift in life. She is mine…I am hers. When her heart beats, mine feels it. When her heart hurts, mine feels it. We are connected. The LORD gave her to me and how dare I think for one second that she is not enough for me in this life. Others are working so hard to have that. Having her is enough.
I also failed to see what has been right in front of my face. I have wanted another child for almost 4 years now and I have prayed for one. God gave me one and it went completely unacknowledged. I have been ungrateful for it. My amazing boyfriend has a son. They both came into my life two years ago. I suppose in my selfishness I have been so focused on physically bearing a child that I glanced over the gift God has given me in this child. He is truly amazing. I love him so much and would do anything for him just as I would my daughter. For a while now I have considered both my boyfriend and his son as part my family and always include his son when people ask me if I have kids. So why I totally glanced over him coming into my life as being an answer to my prayer for another child I don’t know. I kept thinking the answer to my prayer was No because I have not physically had a child, when in fact it was yes all along, I was just looking at it all wrong. Does it get any more selfish than that? He truly works in mysterious ways.
Lastly, I feel like I have taken my incredible boyfriend for granted. He too is a gift from GOD for me. He surpasses every standard I have ever had and constantly encourages me to be a better person. His family has embraced my daughter and I and I feel like they are mine also. He was made for me and it might sound crazy but I knew it on some subconscious level the second I ran in to him. We met years and years ago in college, but a couple years ago I ran into him at a birthday party. We talked briefly but something felt so familiar, almost as though we fit together like puzzle pieces. He was mine and I knew it. [He’ll tell you I’m crazy though ;-) ]. I knew while on our first date I was going to marry him and I still know that to this day. I think I get so caught up in what the world expects and what the world’s acceptable timeframes are that I forget that feeling God gave me when I met him. I KNOW he is for me. God has made it clear and it will play out in Gods time. Not mine. I have been so caught up in earthly expectations lately I have not been a faithful servant to the Lord and I have doubted the future.
My book may have 2 pages left…..it may have 200. I need to remember that and walk my path faithfully NO MATTER WHAT. I want to thank Alaina Mayes so much for living her life out loud through her blog. Her story and her faith is a testimony that is bringing countless people closer to God. She is one of the strongest women I know…..and I know some amazingly strong women.
I miss writing. I miss my blog. I miss the expression. I’m glad I’m back J Thanks for reading. I hope some of you can relate to how I’ve been feeling. This world can be a rough place.
And those are my inside thoughts....
And those are my inside thoughts....