Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Memory of Me...

I'm gonna share this with my internet world! Hopefully someone can relate!

The days are turning into weeks and weeks to months. It seems like more and more I neglect my poor sweet blogs and don’t seem to have any good reason as to why.  I love writing. It’s one of my favorite things to do.  I think there are a lot of things I love to do that I am increasingly doing less of.  The gym, my blog, high heels, makeup, the city….

My mood as of late has been happy but frustrated.  I have nothing to be upset about.  Wonderful family and boyfriend, excellent job and great friends yet I long for part of who I used to be.  See about 6 months ago I bid farewell to my wonderful 1968 apartment in Memorial and moved into a house in Richmond, Texas with my brother.  The goal of that being to save a down payment and buy a home or condo in Memorial.   Fast forward 6 months and in true ironic fashion, I have my down payment and I’m having a house built in (drum roll please)…………………………………………………Richmond, Texas.

Crickets……WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED! I ask myself this a lot.

Life happened I suppose.  The rapid and ever twisting and turning  circumstances and cause and effects of day to day life seem to have fated me to permanently reside in the burbs…well at least for the foreseeable future.  It’s not something I wanted but just seemed to happen that way. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and excited. Building a house is a wonderful thing and I’m blessed beyond all belief to be able to do it.  I’m just trying to figure out the pieces of this new book in my life.  Seems like everything I have been the last few years is vanishing and I’m having to re-define who I am and what I am though I don’t necessarily want to. 

Sometimes I think I’ve lost a step, but then again, maybe my steps are just changing.  I used to go go go one hundred percent of the time. I Now ….well…..I don’t.  I work about 6 hours a day, I am mommy for another 12 hours, I cook dinner, watch tv (something I have NEVER done) and I end up falling asleep with my daughter nightly around 8:30.  I think at one point in my life I would have longed for these times.  I remember crying myself to sleep in law school because I never felt like I had enough time with my daughter.

But I mean seriously...I don't even wear high heels that often anymore.....C'mon....I gotta get it together....

See suburb living has messed with me....changed me....a lot of me.  I suppose it's just a consequence of less time. It takes me an hour to get to work.  I used to go home for lunch which I can’t do now so that hour I stay at work and then it takes another hour to get home.  That’s 3 hours a day that have just vanished from my life.  But see that is just part of it.  Old me….go getter me…would morph and find a way to capitalize and change those 3 hours into something productive.  New me…just wastes them.  It’s very frustrating.  And the only person I have to be frustrated with is myself. 

I feel like I’m losing my spark, losing my kick…I need a project, a hobby a purpose.  Don’t get me wrong the lawyering is good.  I’m busy at my 9-5 doing commercial transactions and my divorce practice is going well but I’m bored.  I simply feel lazy. 

My life is so laid back in fact there are times I go into an all-out panic because I am not doing anything.  Life for me has always been one thing to the next and now it seems to have stalled.  Quite frankly it feels….not good.  I need to get back to busy me.  I would love to find something else to do in life.  I need to be more than just a mom and a lawyer.  I need to get back to fitness, get back to sports and get back to just being a part of the world. 

Suburb living has taken its toll and motherhood though a precious gift can make you lose a little of who you are apart from your family.  I was once alive and now I feel like I just live.  I think the mediocrity of suburb life is just not for me but every angle I have tried as of late has not worked out almost as a sign that this is actually where I need to be. 

Perhaps God is trying to tell me the next step is in the burb and I need to wait for it.  Perhaps I should be here for a reason.  Here’s hoping anyway.   I am ready for my house to be built and to have my own space again, my own guests, my own projects, my own thoughts, ideas, jobs, everything. 

I feel confined in my own life as if there are barriers where there never have been.  I can’t even tell you when they got there or who put them there or why I see them now when I have never seen metaphorical barriers in my life! I went to law school while working full time with a 2nd part time job and a toddler for goodness sake…why now do I feel like I “can’t” do things….

Pray for me peeps…something’s gotta shake!!!! I'm much more awesome than this suburb life has me thinking I am.  BOO!

But please dont think I'm sad! I'm definately not sad! Just voicing feelings that I think a lot of Moms go through. I'm never sad! Just bored!