Friday, September 21, 2012

Summer's Thoughts

Hello my beautiful blog!! It’s been so long since I’ve been able to write! My absence is due mostly because I took the majority of the summer to unplug from the world and take a break from learning things.  I spent a lot of (whoop whoop) family time with my amazing inner circle and pretty much just focused on trying to become a better mother, sister, daughter, girlfriend, baby momma, friend, Christian and attorney.  Those are in no specific order.  I suppose the jury is still out on whether or not any of those were accomplished but I will say I have learned soooooo much about myself in my attempt to not learn anything at all.  Go figure!

First, it is very clear to me now that my young adult days are over.  I say this with a smile and a tear.  I think about all the fun I’ve had since college and the invincible mindset I had in my youth.  There is a certain irony in how great the feeling of life is when you live it oblivious to the fact that your actions could cause serious detriment to your future and the gut clenching OMG moment you have when you look back on those days once you’ve realized your invincibility never was real.    Truly the ridiculous shenanigans of college and my twenties have left incredibly fond memories and many stomach turning ones as well.  I laughed hard, I cried hard. I cringe when I think one day my daughter will be doing making some of my same mistakes, but surely she will be far smarter than me…of course she will… ;).  I do have a small amount of sadness in knowing life will never be like that again. At the same time when I’m invited to join my friends on excursions with a high probability of mostly innocent/probably legal but sure to be fun nights, I instinctivly give my regrets for not being able to attend.   While my mature adult life is definitely more dull when parties and night life are concerned, the thought of putting myself in an environment that could cause me to have my life taken, my child not with me, me not with my child, my job lost, my bar card taken or anything similar….is just too much to risk.  These are thoughts I would have NEVER pondered in my 20’s and a sure sign of age.  My favorite things these days are dinner parties with girlfriends, Saturdays I spend hanging (sipping frozen fruity pick me ups) with my Aunt and my cousins and Sundays I spend eating and watching football with my peeps. 

                So Secondly I have learned that while I’m sad to see my 20’s go, I love my 30’s even more.  Though responsibility plays a much greater role and my outlook on life has changed from one of invincibility to fragility the joy and fun I get from family is so much greater than any joy I have ever experienced in life.  I LIVE to wake up to these certain two little brown eyes. My daughter is absolutely the closest thing to me in life.  I feel physical pain when I am not with her.  That might possibly be unhealthy, but nevertheless, that is how it is.  She has taught me much in life but most recently she has taught me resilience and how perfect imperfection is on both our parts.    She is now in second grade and I have had to make some tough calls about where we live and her schooling.  Though she was uprooted from all that was comfortable to her she has been so great at just going with the flow.  It is definitely a heavy burden to bear when you have someone look at you with 100% dependence and trust.  I live and make decisions for her.  That is so scary at times.  I re-live past decisions over and over.  Everything from law school and student loans, to the decision to work, to the decision not to work, her schools, her friends, my schools, my friends, just everything…… and sometimes I wish I had done some things differently , but as they say hindsight is 20/20.  I frequently wish that I had been smarter.  We have also faced new struggles together as of late, only this time on opposite sides of the fence.  "Kaily v. Mommy" has become a reoccurring theme and that has had its challenges.  Watching her grow, learn, make wrong decisions, recover and move on has made me so proud of her.  I hope that she will always know that there has been no other happiness in my life that can even remotely compare to the joy I have had raising her.  Life for me truly did not begin until the moment she took her first breath.  I welcome the day that we add to our little twosome because we both have so much love to give. 

On that note….lol. I spent much of the summer with my wonderful and amazing boyfriend whom I cannot say enough great things about.  He has taught me my third lesson of the summer.  It’s that I’m always right. Lol…KIDDING J.  It’s about control.   I have always had a “handle everything myself” kind of mentality.  Sometimes situations have warranted me to be this way and sometimes my behavior has been such simply because it was what I was used to and what I trusted.  If something was going to fail it would fail at my own hand.  I’ve had a very “Superwoman” mentality 24/7.   This characteristic can be difficult to change, however, slowly but surely he is proving to me that it is okay to share life’s burdens.  Superwoman doesn’t have to be a 24/7 job. And that is a hard thing for someone who has lived my life to trust in.  I’m not sure he’ll ever know the depths of which that realization alone has changed my life.    

The fourth change has come by and through my boyfriend as well, though more indirectly.  His 12-year old son was in town for the entire summer.  Oh Boy…and I mean that literally. Lol.  I knew NOTHING about a 12-year old boy.  I had never dated anyone with a child and all of this was completely foreign to me.  I had so much anxiety and so many concerns but most of all ummm….…. What if he hates me?  In reality, it didn’t take long at all for us all to mesh and begin one of the best summers ever.  I watched he and KJ play, argue, share, not share and it made me smile.  I watched him smile at the simplest of things like getting taco bell for dinner and having a family game night.  I saw my family embrace him and I saw his family embrace KJ.  And it made me happy.  We had a wonderful summer full of basketball, games, food and jokes.  It was very hard to see him leave when it was time.  L

When I started this blog I said I spent the summer focusing on family.  So, lastly, I have learned that family is only half made up of the people you were born with and the other half is who those people bring to you.  My ever growing inner circle is full of people who are not blood related, yet and still, they are family.  My brother was recently married and each year his wife’s family is becoming more and more mine.  My dad has remarried and and so has my mother.  My stepdad joined us 8 years ago and brought my step brother who has added an interesting mix to the “characters” we already have.  My other brother has a new girlfriend and as I have said I have a boyfriend who has added about 10-15 new faces that I see routinley throughout my week.  I have also spent much of this year with my wonderful friends Beverly and Missy who are more like sisters to me now than they have ever been.  My blogs of late have had a reoccurring theme, life is a gift.  I think each year I see a few more people buried, young and old, which makes all these family faces become so much more significant.  Sitting by people on their deathbed sparks an interesting thought.  When you are in the room with someone who is days, hours or minutes away from death, look around. It’s typically not their parents in the room with them.  Sometimes their brothers and sisters present, but those people have likely already passed.  No it’s their husbands and wives, sons and daughters, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.  That’s who’s in the room.    So when I take a time out and step onto life’s timeline I realize at some point I won’t be the one sitting at people’s bedsides.  I’m at the time in my life when I will begin meeting the people that will be at mine….though at 30 this stage is only just beginning for me, it is definitely beginning. 

If you will notice, in this blog, I didn’t say much about work, law school, the practice of law, or taking over the world.  Topics that only two or three years ago would have filled my daily convo and my Facebook page (I must have been soooooooooo annoying).  I’ve learned that at one time taking over the world and educating myself beyond belief was a great plan and I’d still like to do a little bit of those things, though I think I’ll just take over less of it. I enjoy my time at home where I have reached the status of Certified Monster Killer! (You can only get it after you have turned on the hall light about 55,000 times at 2a.m.)  In a sign of times I’m going to quote something I heard on a reality TV.  When life is over, "no one ever says I wish I would have worked harder or I wish I would have made more money".  What people do overwhelmingly say is that they wish they’d had more time with the people they loved.  So this summer I took some time.